Realisations! thoughts? memories? truth?mindgames.

some things are different in your mind and different in reality.
So, i thought i still loved him, i thought its all the same from my side, even after like 2 years.
like yes, i read the old texts, but the whole time i was like umm…who is this guy? who is this girl?  
reading those texts made me realize how far along I’ve come.
i barely recognize those two people having that conversation. 
Maybe i don’t still love him, maybe i just still love the idea of him. maybe its my mind holding on to that fictional character.
OR
maybe the hurt is buried deep down and only comes up when I’m in contact with him. Because whenever, we are in contact, i start remembering stuff that didn’t bother me before and it hurts all over again.
No, no i don’t want to date you. i don’t. i just want you there as a part of my life like you were before. i want to talk to you and meet you and tell you about my day. i want to feel that….closeness and security when I was with you. 
after what happened with you, i can’t get close to anyone else, and i don’t want to. all i want is you, like you were before, all i want is to not fight with you and just be with you. 

i don’t know, i like talking to you. a lot. more than anyone else!

i don’t care that you have a million girlfriends. Never have, never will. All i want is my best friend to be back. 
 OR

maybe i just need to get you out of my system. i tried, i tried for 2 years but you kept on coming back and then going away. 
maybe all i need to do is to let you go, but then what if i don’t find anyone who i connect with. i sure as hell am looking. but no one makes me feel the way i felt when i was with you.
yes, i preferred snap chatting you, rather than going out clubbing. but was that you i prefer or who you are in my mind?
COMMENT PLEASE!

Random songs…and thoughts

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, WHEN THE BEST PART OF ME WAS WITH YOU? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY WHEN I’M ALL CHOCKED UP AND YOU’RE OKAY?
IF our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
I’m in here, can anybody see me know?
Coz nothing ever hurt like you
The pieces don’t fit anymore
One last chance
If i loose myself tonight, It’ll be by your side
Somebody that i used to know
We say goodbye in the pouring rain and i break down as you walk away, stayyy
i should go, I’m just a little shaken by whats going on inside
your winter, i don’t want to be anyones excuse to cry
when you get what you want but not what you need,  STUCK IN REVERSE…
I will try to fix you….

Do you ever look at you ex, being all happy with his girl and feel a sting? I mean, does it get you all pissed off that he’s happy and i am not?
When you know that you deserve to be much happier than any of them. Why do bad people get happy endings, when the good ones are suffering. I mean. how is that fair? 
Is it because you expect too much? and even if you lower your expectations, does it make you truly happy? like from the inside…
Like you are happy, as happy as you can get and then pop…. there goes the bubble and your back to square one…all the hurt and sadness comes falling down on you…?
like if you have seen level  10 of happiness, you  can never be happy at level 6, even though all you knew was level 6 and it was enough at that time.
So, being truly happy at a point of time is just bad for you.
Because, it won’t last forever.
And when it goes away, what made you happy earlier just isn’t enough anymore…

Angel’s story continues here…..

Hello peeps:*
I know i haven’t posted since long, but i was busy with my exams. So i finally got to writing my 2nd chapter in Angel’s story. If you haven’t read the first, check it out on my blog.
Here it goes…

Chapter 2

I was sitting in physics and trying to listen to the professor but I just couldn’t. Today had been very…eventful. I was thinking about Damon and then Duke and then Damon calling me Kitten. Nothing made sense. I could feel my migraine coming on and i just couldn’t wait for the bell to ring so i could get out of here and well, not think. As if god was listening to me then, the bell rang. I stood up collected my books and walked to the door.
As expected, Duke was waiting for me outside the class so that we could walk to lunch together. When Duke transferred here, one day, he just showed up outside my class and walked me to lunch. Since then, it has become kind of ‘our thing’. Initially, people starred but now even they had gotten used to it.
” What happened to you? Is your migraine hitting up again?”
I looked up to him and smiled. Duke always knew if something was wrong with me, he knew me in and out.
” Yeah, i can feel the pain in my eyes, and my head has started throbbing. But I’ll be fine, as soon as i get to art, that is such a stress reliever.”
“Alrighty! I can massage your head if you want me to, that’ll help” said Duke.
I smiled upto his concerned face and said, ” No thanks, D, lets just go for lunch and maybe eating will help to subdue it.”
We walked the rest of the way to the cafeteria quietly. Duke bought his chicken wrap and a soda and i bought a turkey sandwich and orange juice. We walked to our tables and sat in our seats, where Tory was already seated.
Tory was with me in art and was kind of my second bestfriend, you know, after Duke. She was a little tomboyish and wore her copper hair short. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of grey and she was wearing her usual,black leather jacket paired with a skinny jeans and high black boots. The thing about Tory was, even though we were the closest of friend, sometimes she used to get a little jealous since i was closer to Duke. She had this crush on Duke since always and they did have some..umm..uncomfortable moments initially, but now they had fallen into an easy friendship.
Tory, in between bites of her sandwich, started,
“oh man! i can’t wait for art. I have these ideas in my head, just waiting to be painted.”
” You know, even though i don’t have any talent for it, i feel that maybe i should have signed up for art. You two are always talking about how much fun it is and how you cant wait for it, but then i remember, that i cant draw to save my life” said Duke.
I chuckled at him and said, ” I think Mr. Millet will have a heart attack if he ever saw one of your works”
Tory laughed at that and said, ” I think he will just quite teaching art if he ever saw you draw and then……ummm…who is that?”
she pointed at someone behind me, and i just knew that she’s talking about Damon. Duke and i turned around, and turns out, that i was right, There was Damon, walking in, as if he owned the place. As if he felt my stare, he looked up at me and smirked at me. I just looked back in front and pretended that nothing happened. i hate that sexy smirk…i mean smirk.
“Angel, What was that?” said Tory
Before I could deny anything, Duke said, ” That was this new dumbass in our class, who apparently cannot keep it in his pants around Angie”
I get all offended and say, ” That is so not true! stop being a Douchebag, D.”
Duke makes a face and goes like, ” Deny it all you want, but its too obvious.”
I just wanted to end this so i rolled my eyes.
Tory, noticing the whole exchange, ” I just asked for his name, but this is much more interesting!”
I so did not want this conversation to happen, so I said, ” his name is Damon and trust me, there is nothing interesting about him.”
At this exact same moment, Damon crossed us. I kinda expected him to stop and talk to me or atleast acknowledge my presence, but he just walked past me. To my not such a great surprise, went and sat next to that Kate and her minions. I felt as if this was a slap on my face. I guess i kinda expected him to sit next to me. All i could do was look away, insulted, trying to hide my disappointment.
I looked at Duke and saw him watching me. Knowing that he might start another arguement and wanting to stop it, i said,
“Soo Tory, did you get back with Arjun over the summer?”
Arjun was her ex-boyfriend/ neighbour with whom she had this on and off relationship.
” We kind of are back together, but there is no tag as such.” she replied.
“Well, that guy is crazy about you! I wouldn’t loose him if i were you!’
She looked at Duke and smiled sadly, ” I….I just need time! i don’t know what i really feel..”
Duke as if catching up on this, started talking to Tory about her and Arjun. He was always trying to convince her to be with him. I guess he felt guilty about her liking him.
I couldn’t help myself, so i stole a peek in Damon’s direction. He was laughing about something with Kate and although I am sure he felt my gaze upon him, he ignored me. I don’t know why he was acting so strange. I mean one minute you’re all into me and flirting with me and then next you don’t even acknowledge my presence. I looked away irritated and tried to concentrate on my food. I finished off my sandwich in silence and heard the bell ring.
Duke got up and walked me and Tory to our lockers. He helped me with my art supplies, carrying my canvas for me, just like he always does. He sometimes offered to help Tory as well but she generally refused. Whenever i tried to carry it myself he would just push my hand away. Initially, it felt all weird and stuff but then i got used to it. When i objected, he would just say, “its not like I’m doing this for you! It helps me get laid! chicks like this gentlemanly stuff. plus, i get to show off my muscles.”
Duke walked us to art, all the while discussing some drawing that Tory had made and i just stayed out of the discussion. I was like in my silent mode.
As we reached the class, i waved duke goodbye and took my seat, the regular, 2nd row, the right corner and Tory in the middle, next to me. I started washing my brushes and getting all the supplies out when HE walked in.
” Has he lost the way or something? I mean, guys like him, they don’t do art!” said Tory.
i looked at him and then at her and said, “it isn’t any of our business! who cares what he does?”
She ignored me and kept gawking at him. As if noticing her, he set up his canvas next to hers and said, “Hello beautiful, My name is Damon. You don’t mind if i take this spot do you? you see i can’t paint without a nice inspiration and you look pretty enough”
Tory giggled at him, ” I would love, to be your inspiration!”
I couldn’t believe the stupidness of this conversation! Like he is so obviously flirting with her, like he does with any other girl and she is falling for it! Tory out of all the people.
Trying not to make a face, i focused on my canvas.
Professor Millet entered the class and greeted all of us. I was kind of best in here and also his favorite student so it was always great to see him. Noticing the new student aka Damon, he called him in front and started talking to him. I tried not to pay attention to their conversation, zoned out, getting lost in the canvas. I do that, i don’t know the world when I’m painting.
Suddenly, someone called out my name. When i looked up, i saw that Damon and prof M were standing right in front of me, expecting a reply.
“So you cool with this Angel?” Said Prof M
” umm…yeah sure!” i replied, hoping that whatever I just agreed to wasn’t something bad.
” So Damon, you get your supplies set up next to Angel and Tory, you can go and take Damon’s position: louder he said, “Class, today we are going to draw whatever it is that inspires us. Its the first class this year, so i just want all of you to warm up and this will also help us get to know each other better.”
As Damon started setting up his supplies next to me, i cursed inwardly.
I never curse, but then some people get on your nerves and he was one of them. I couldn’t believe that now i’d have to help him, especially after he so conveniently ignored me during lunch.
“Sooo,, kitten, where do we start from? ”
that name. urghhh.
” lets get a few things straight here, first of all, my name is not “kitten” its Angel… A N G E L ( i spelled it put for him) is it that tough to remember? And secondly, You need my help and this is art, so no talking rubbish, if you open your mouth at all, which you probably shouldn’t, it better be about art.”

“ummm…I just asked you where do we start…and as for kitten., we will see..” he replied.
I know i kind of over reacted but he was getting on my nerves and i wasn’t backing down now.
” Just draw what inspires you, or who, i should say” I couldn’t help myself so i made a face.

seeing that, he leaned into me and said, ” my my! aren’t we a little sneaky in here? listening to what others say? thats not what good girls do. and anyways, you aren’t jealous are you? bcoz you surely sound so.”
I looked upto him..and smiled sweetly, ” I have no interest in whatever you say, you see, i have ears and i can’t help if they pick up irritating voice frequencies. And why in this world would i be jealous over you? I have standards you know” ” who said that I’m a good girl?”
He chuckled and said,” hmmm… over me.. that sounds interesting..so, are you a bad girl then kitten? ”
I don’t know how he does that, making a simple conversation so interesting and intense. Trying to come up with a reply, i noticed Tory’s stare and realized how close we were standing, shaking my head, i backed away and
said, ” Why don’t you start drawing something or you’ll have to complete it at home. If you need any help, just try not asking me okay? I like to not talk while i paint.”
he smirked at me and said, ” Sure”
After this, i tried to loose myself in the painting. I was drawing a caterpillar and how that ugly caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly. I had made a rough sketch and started to paint it, taking in the beauty of it.
when, who other than Damon, interrupted me and said, “Can i borrow your brown kitten?”
I picked up the brown color and gave it to him, ” Why would you need brown anyway?”
He smiled at me and said, ” how else will i paint your eyes? ”

to be continued.

-Blair<3

is it love? Confused. SUGGESTIONS PLEASE?

He means the world to you.
He makes you very happy.
You always want him around.
He is the most important person in your life.
You can do anything for him.
He is the only one who can make you cry and even laugh the loudest.
You don’t want him to have a serious girlfriend.
You want him around all the time and want to talk to him all day.

BUTTTTTT…………………

You don’t want to be physical with him.
You feel weird when he holds your hand.
You don’t care if he sleeps with anyone unless he’s serious for her.
You don’t care if he has casual hook ups, in fact, encourage him for them.

So. WHAT IS THIS???

-Blair<3

How life isn’t fair.

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Hello peeps:*
Reading “Its Complicated” ( previous post-my poem) got me all nostalgic. Sometimes in life, you take one step wrong and *baam*. Your whole world is shattered. One wrong decision can ruin your happiness. 

Sometimes, your happiness is related to someone else’s. When they are happy, so are you and when they are sad, all you can think about is how to make them smile again. You give too much, care too much, love too much. But the question here is, DO THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY?

You make them the centre of your world, but are you theirs? 

Sometimes, you have to give up on people because being without them will hurt you so much but, being with them will kill you everyday.

 

-Blair<3

Its Complicated.

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Hello peeps:*
So not saying anything! This one speaks for itself. And well, shit happens 🙂

When we were friends,
Everything was so much fun.
We could laugh all day, watch the sun.

Love, it complicates stuff.
I Had to face times so rough,
I started getting expectations.
Hopes, out of our relation.

N when you expect what you don’t get
Life seems death. Nothings set.
I want the time when we were buddies,
we were Always together, closer than hubbies.

Now everything’s so complex.
I miss the time, when I was your reflex.
Together, we were strong
unbreakable was our bond.

But now you’re a goner
N I feel like a looner.
Coz I didn’t just lose the love of my life,
I lost my best frnd, with you, I felt alive.

I don’t know what to do,Everything’s wrong.
So here for you, I write a song.
If you can’t be my lover,
Be my friend, like we used to be together.

I want that time back, when I didn’t care
N life, then, it seemed fair 🙂

 

Sometimes you cross a line, and you can’t go back. Even if you wish to. I wish we hadn’t crossed that line.

-Blair<3

Girl Code 101

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Hello peeps:*
So my friend, Katherine and I, we wrote this girl code which is basically bro code for girls. I think every girl should stick to it with their besties;;)

NOTE: Girls are referred to as *Chica* here onwards. And guys are called *Stronzos*

 GIRL CODE 101  :

#0
Chicas are always each others numero uno priority! No other Chica or stronzo can come in the middle or take their place.
For Eg: If one chica is getting more friendly with a third chica, then the second chica has all the rights to bitch slap her.

#1
Chicas tell each other EVERYTHING. No matter how insignificantly small the thing is.
For Eg: If one chica looses a hair pin, she tells the other chic immediately, without fail.

#2
Whatever one chica tells the other, it stays within them, no one outside them is to ever know about it.
For eg: If one chica commented on the others boyfriend, the other chica in no conditions goes and tells her boyfriend about it.

#3
Chicas stick together….always! Wherever one chica goes, the other goes too!
For Eg: if one chica wants to hang out with group A and the other wants to hang out with Group B, then they ditch both the group and hangout with each other instead.

#4
If some one says something to one chica, the other chica defends her.
For Eg: if the third chica said something bad about the first chica, the second chica can kill her 🙂

#5
In no no condition does one chica ditch the other one for a stronzo
For Eg: If both the chicas like the same stronzo, they tell him to f*** off.

#6
Chica tries her best to help the other chica get a stronzo she likes.
For Eg: They make elaborate plans and schemes to get the stronzo to madly fall in love with the chica.

#7
Chicas are always there for each other when some stronzo messes up.
For Eg: If a stronzo cheated one the first chica, the second chica kicks him in the balls.

#8
If Chica one is upset, the second chica comes to her place with tubs of her favorite ice cream, and have a movie marathon with a blanket.
PS: If the reason for her being upset is a stronzo, refer to rule no. 7

#9
Both chicas agree that all stronzos are STRONZOS ( if you don’t know what stronzo mean, please google it)
For Eg: no example needed. 🙂

#10
If chica one wants to rant about how love sucks and life sucks etc, the other chica is always there agreeing and ranting along with her.
For Eg: Chica 1: Love is so overrated.
Chica 2: i know right, Love sucks! We don’t need stronzos in our lives! We are strong,               independent chicas.

#11
Bitching is compulsory for the friendship to survive. It is the holy thread that bonds the chicas.
For Eg: chica1: OMG! She is such an attention seeker! I hate her!
chica2: You are sooo right! Look at the way she’s acting around that stronzo.

#12
If Chica one hates someone, He/she is automatically chica two’s enemy too! Irrespective of if you know him/her or not.
For Eg: In no condition are you to talk to that hated person, unless you’re insulting them or shouting at them.

#13
Both the chicas get ready together for parties. ( at this point, its understood that they don’t go to parties without each other)
PS: if for some reason they can’t dress up together, they always know what the other chica is wearing.

#14
Chicas always go for meni-pedis together.
PS: they paint their nails the same color too.

#15
If chica one is drunk, the other chica handles her and takes care of her.
PS: In the next party, its the other way round 😉

#16
It is compulsory for both the chicas to talk everyday and discuss the days events, including the stronzos that happened.
PS: this is usually at night on Skype.

#17
If one of the chicas isn’t sleepy, the other one stays awake to talk to her.

#18
Chicas always read books together and then discuss those books and the characters.
PS: same goes for tv shows or movies or songs etc.

#19
In no condition, does one chica lie to another chica.

#20
Ex, crushes, etc. of one chica are off limits for the other chica
PS: duh.

#21
Chicas treat Girl Code 101 as much more serious than bro code 101 or even the bible. They follow Girl Code 101 by head, heart and soul.

NOTE: If Chica 1 breaks any of the rules of Girl code 101:
1.Chica 2 gets bragging rights for lifetime for being the superior one.
2. Chica 1 gets her ass kicked.
3.Chica 1 has to treat chica 2 on the weekends for a year.

Although, they still remain friends, because friendship is all about love and forgiveness.

Girl Code 101 continues in future posts, this is it for now.

-Blair<3